CCCE Number One

This comes courtesy of a friend who knows I’m not Christian, but still sends crazy emails anyway. I call it And Now They Ded From Coke:

> Subject: FW: what the BIBLE says about death
>
> Death is certain but the Bible speaks about untimely death!
> Make a personal reflection about this. Very interesting, read until the
> end…
>
> It is written in the Bible (Galatians 6:7): “Be not deceived; God is not
> mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.
>
> Here are some men and women who mocked God:
>
> JOHN LENNON:
> Some years before, during his interview with an American Magazine, he said:
> “Christianity will end, it will disappear. I do not have to argue about
> that. I am certain. Jesus was ok, but his subjects were too simple, Today
> we are more famous than Him” (1966). Lennon, after saying that the Beatles
> were more famous than Jesus Christ, was shot six times.
>
> TANCREDO NEVES (President of Brazil):
> During the Presidential campaign, he said if he got 500,000 votes from his
> party, not even God would remove him from Presidency. Sure he got the votes,
> but he got sick a day before being made President, then he died.
>
> CAZUZA (Bi-sexual Brazilian composer, singer and poet):
> During a show in Canecïo ( Rio de Janeiro ), whilst smoking his cigarette,
> he puffed out some smoke into the air and said: “God, that’s for you.” He
> died at the age of 32 of AIDS in a horrible manner.
>
> THE MAN WHO BUILT TITANIC:
> After the construction of Titanic, a reporter asked him how safe the Titanic
> would be. With an ironic tone he said: “Not even God can sink it” The result:
> I think you all know what happened to the Titanic.
>
> MARILYN MONROE:
> She was visited by Billy Graham during a presentation of a show. He said the
> Spirit of God had sent him to preach to her. After hearing what the
> Preacher had to say, she said: “I don’t need your Jesus”. A week later, she
> was found dead in her apartment.
>
> BON SCOTT:
> The ex-vocalist of the AC/DC. On one of his 1979 songs he sang: “Don’t stop
> me, I’m going down all the way, down the highway to hell”. On the 19th of
> February 1980, Bon Scott was found dead, he had been choked by his own vomit.
>
>
> CAMPINAS/SP IN 2005
> In Campinas, Brazil a group of friends, drunk, went to pick up a friend. The
> mother accompanied her to the car and was so worried about the drunkenness of
> her friends and she said to the daughter – holding her hand, who was already
> seated in the car: “MY DAUGHTER, GO WITH GOD AND MAY HE PROTECT
> YOU.”
> She responded: “ONLY IF HE (GOD) TRAVELS IN THE TRUNK, CAUSE INSIDE HERE
> IT’S ALREADY FULL”
> Hours later, news came by that they had been involved in a fatal accident,
> everyone had died, the car could not be recognized what type of car it had
> been, but surprisingly, the trunk was intact. The police said there was no
> way the trunk could have remained intact.
> To their surprise, inside the trunk was a crate of eggs, none were broken.
>
> Christine Hewitt: a Jamaican Journalist and entertainer,said the Bible (Word
> of God) was the worst book ever written, in June 2006 she was found burnt
> beyond recognition in her motor vehicle.
>
>
> Many more important people have forgotten that there is no other name that
> was given so much authority as the name of Jesus. Many have died, but only
> Jesus died and rose again, and he is still alive.
>
> JESUS!!!
>
> P.S: If it was a joke, you would have sent it to everyone. So are you going
> to have courage to send this?. I have done my part, Jesus said “If you are
> embarrassed about me, I will also be embarrassed about you before my
> father.”
>
> What benefit does it have, if a man gains the whole world but loses his
> soul? What can man give in exchange of his soul? (Matthew 16:26).

It’s a nice little mix of urban legend, hearsay, threats, and ignorance. What about the millions of religious people who die young and violently? Kurt Vonnegut will be 84 in November, so clearly not everyone who rejects or mocks religion dies immediately. And I need to update my scoring system, don’t I?

I’d also like to point something out:
Lennon, after saying that the Beatles were more famous than Jesus Christ, was shot six times.
John Lennon said that (in context it’s not quite meant the way it’s usually taken) in 1966. He was murdered in 1980, so the Angel Assassination Squad didn’t catch up with him for fourteen years.

Score- Points for:
Vague threats against blasphemers/infidels
Untrue/unprovable/just plain dodgy statements presented as fact
Beginning and ending with bible quotes

Wherein I Explain the Site’s Purpose

Welcome to Crazy Christian Chain Emails, a site dedicated to, well, see the name.  I’ve devised a kind of scoring system, in which points are given for different common rhetorical and stylistic cliches in these emails; I’ll explain that in a future post.  I’ll set up an email address for reader submissions, and we’ll all have a good time.  I also welcome myspace bulletins that your “friends” post. 

Should I introduce myself?  Okay, my name is Stella; I’m an atheist, and I live in Kansas.  Since I’m in the Bible Belt, most of my friends and acquaintances are Christian.  This usually doesn’t affect my life too much, unless I’m on these people’s email contact lists.  Then I have to put up with “True stories of angels” emails.  I’m tired of it, and rather than ask my friends not to send me any more of that garbage, I’ll put the messages up on the internet for other people to laugh at.  I’m passive-aggressive that way.

Scoring system, address for contributions, and some CCCEs coming shortly.

As Promised…

Here’s the address to forward your own CCCEs: onacrazychain@gmail.com (Thanks, nosugrefneb!)
And here’s the scoring system, or an embryonic version of it, anyway. It’ll evolve once I get the whole thing up and running, just as it should.

Note: new entries marked with an asterisk.

Form Points awarded for:

-Multiple fonts used

-Multiple colors used

-Multiple type sizes used

-ALL CAPS SHOUTING!

Severe and frequent grammar/spelling/punctuation errors

Netspeak- not so much 1337 as 12-year-old IM-speak “ur” for your/you’re, etc.

Content Points awarded for:

-Graphics, including, but not limited to:
-ascii angels
-animated gifs
-pictures of normal objects that could maybe look like religious symbols if you look fast
and are far-sighted and not wearing reading glasses
-photoshopped pictures, bonus points if the sender obviously doesn’t realize it’s a
manipulated image despite the Worth 1000 watermark in the corner
-Precious Moments
Presence of angels in the email’s story

Presence of a dead child in the email’s story

If the email is about someone turning their life around/converting, especially if the person was an atheist, Muslim or gay*

If the email is old and popular enough to have appeared on Snopes

If the email ends with a chain letter-style “if you don’t send this to eleven people in forty-two seconds, your eyelashes will fall out” threat

If it ends with a promise that if you do send it to X people in Y minutes, The Noid will run across your screen and pee on your hard drive icon

Vague threats against blasphemers/infidels

Untrue/unprovable/just plain dodgy statements presented as fact

Beginning and ending with bible quotes

Promising a miracle if the message is forwarded/reposted

Attempting to promote religion through the use of analogy/metaphor/simile that makes it look unappealing to those outside the religion.

Magical member of a traditionally disenfranchised/disadvantaged group whose simple wisdom shows us all the error of our ways, including, but not limited to:
-Black person
-Native American person
-Mentally handicapped person

Out of the Mouths of Babes
Almost the same as the Magical Negro, but not quite.

Me and God Are Like This!
Like that “Footprints” poem. I won’t link to it; you already know what it says.

Helping Those Who Can’t Figure Out How to Help Themselves
People in need must be stupid, because they’re always getting miracles when common sense and planning ahead would get them out of trouble a lot more easily.

Pass This Along- If You Aren’t Ashamed
Invariably, this will contain the “If you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of you before my Father” thing.

*And seriously, if you ever come across a “cured of teh ghey by Jesus” email, send it!