CCCE- Jesus Is My Stalker

December 30, 2006

This CCCE is called “A Letter from Jesus.” It’s just, wow. That’s all I’ll say for now- read:

My Precious Friend,

I am sending you this letter by way of one of My disciples. I just wanted to let you know how much I love and care about you and how I greatly desire to become a meaningful part of your life.

This morning when you awoke I was already there with you in the light of My beautiful sunshine that filled your room. I was hoping that you would say good morning to Me: you didn’t. So, I thought maybe it just was just a little too early in the day for you to notice Me.

Again I tried to get your attention when you step out of your door. I kissed your face with a with a soft gentle breeze. I breathed upon you My fragrant sweet breath scented with flowers. Then I sang you a love song though the birds in the trees. You just walked right past Me.

Later on in the day, I watched over you as you were talking with some of your friends. Oh how I wished that you would talk to Me also. I waited and waited, but you just went along on your way.

This afternoon I sent you a refreshing shower and glistened to you from each raindrop. I even shouted at you a time or two with thunder, trying to get your attention. Then I panted you a lovely rainbow in the mist of my fluffy white clouds. I just knew you would see Me Then, but you were Unaware of my presence.

This evening to close your day, I sent you a beautiful sunset. After That, I winked at you a thousand times through my stars, hoping you would see Me and wink back, you never did.

Tonight when you went to bed, I spilled moonlight upon your face to let you know I was there with you. I was hoping you would talk to Me a little while before you went to sleep. You never said a word. It hurt Me deeply: however, I continued to watch over you all though the night thinking maybe, just maybe, you would say hello to Me in the morning.

Each and every day, I have revealed Myself to you in many strange and wonderful ways hoping you would accept Me as your shepherd. For I am the only one that can supply you with all your needs. My love for you is deeper than then the deepest ocean, bigger then the great blue sky. I have so very much to give to you and also to share with you. Please let Me hear from you real soon.

Your Loving Friend Forever,
Jesus

See what I meant up there? Wow. Jesus sure is needy. If one of my friends wrote a letter like that to me, I’d start trying to very gently ease them out of my life, because that’s the kind of friend who’s going to go all Single White Female on your ass when you try to stop hanging out with them. I’d save this letter just in case I needed it for evidence for the restraining order.

I like to think of the Christian god as an abusive parent- he’s very authoritarian, harshly punishes those who disobey the rules he sets up, demands that his children worship him, and on and on. Read these lists and tell me how many characteristics ol’ Yahweh exhibits. Why that’s appealing I’ll never know. The Jesus in this letter is more like an abusive partner. This is scary:

For I am the only one that can supply you with all your needs. My love for you is deeper than then the deepest ocean, bigger then the great blue sky. I have so very much to give to you and also to share with you.

Run away, change your name, do whatever you have to do to get away from this guy. Not only will he end up killing you when you won’t return his affections, he also doesn’t know the difference between “than” and “then.” And sometimes he just uses both.

This afternoon I sent you a refreshing shower and glistened to you from each raindrop. I even shouted at you a time or two with thunder, trying to get your attention. Then I panted you a lovely rainbow in the mist of my fluffy white clouds. I just knew you would see Me Then, but you were Unaware of my presence.

Uh, thanks Jesus, but I can “pant” my own rainbow with a garden hose on a sunny day. And you shouted at me through thunder? Through a sonic shock wave caused by the rapid heating and expansion of the air surrounding and within a bolt of lightning? Really? ‘Cause I speak English, along with some French and Spanish- not Thunder. If you could write me a creepy stalker letter in English, maybe you could talk to me, too, instead of just watching me sleep and “panting” (I’m not entirely convinced that’s not a Freudian slip) rainbows.

Gross. And not likely to win any converts, either.

Scoring:
Frequent grammar errors
Than/then confusion, random capitalization

Attempting to promote religion through the use of analogy/metaphor/simile that makes it look unappealing to those outside the religion.
No thanks, I don’t need an invisible stalker.

Me and God Are Like This!
Well, Jesus wants to be, but I don’t think I want that kind of relationship.


CCCE- I Do What the Voices Tell Me

December 14, 2006

This is the first piece of Crazy Christian mail I’ve gotten in my personal inbox in a while. And it’s special.

This will give you the chills……..GOOD chills.

A young man had been to Wednesday night Bible Study.

The Pastor had shared about listening to God and obeying the Lord’s voice.

The young man couldn’t help but wonder, “Does God still speak to people?”

After service he went out with some friends for coffee and pie and they discussed the message.
Several different ones talked about how God had led them in different ways.

It was about ten o’clock when the young man started driving home. Sitting in his car, he just began to pray, “God…If you still speak to
people speak to me. I will listen. I will do my best to obey.”

As he drove down the main street of his town, he had the strangest thought to stop and buy a gallon of milk.

He shook his head and said out loud, “God is that you?” He didn’t get a reply and started on toward home.

But again, the thought, buy a gallon of milk.

The young man thought about Samuel and how he didn’t recognize the voice of God, and how little Samuel ran to Eli.

“Okay, God, in case that is you, I will buy the milk.” It didn’t seem like too hard a test of obedience. He could always use the milk. He stopped and purchased the gallon of milk and started off toward home.

As he passed Seventh Street, he again felt the urge, “Turn Down that street.”

This is crazy he thought and drove on past the intersection.

Again, he felt that he should turn down Seventh Street .

At the next intersection, he turned back and headed down Seventh.

Half jokingly, he said out loud, “Okay, God, I will”.

He drove several blocks, when suddenly, he felt like he should stop. He pulled over to the curb and looked around. He was in semi commercial area of town. It wasn’t the best but it wasn’t the worst of neighborhoods either. The businesses were closed and most of the houses looked dark like the people were already in bed.

Again, he sensed something, “Go and give the milk to the people in the house across the street.” The young man looked at the house. It was dark and it looked like the people were either gone or they were already asleep. He started to open the door and then sat back in the car seat.

“Lord, this is insane. Those people are asleep and if I wake them up, they are going to be mad and I will look stupid.” Again, he felt like he should go and give the milk.

Finally, he opened the door, “Okay God, if this is you, I will go to the door and I will give them the milk. If you want me to look like a crazy person, okay. I want to be obedient. I guess that will count for something but if they don’t answer right away, I am out of here.”

He walked across the street and rang the bell. He could hear some noise inside. A man’s voice yelled out, “Who is it? What do you want?” Then the door opened before the young man could get away.

The man was standing there in his jeans and T-shirt. He looked like he

just got out of bed. He had a strange look on his face and he didn’t seem too happy to have some stranger standing on his doorstep. “What is it?”

The young man thrust out the gallon of milk, “Here, I brought this to you.”
The man took the milk and rushed down a hallway.

Then from down the hall came a woman carrying the milk toward the kitchen.
The man was following her holding a baby. The baby was crying. The man had tears streaming down his face.

The man began speaking and half crying, “We were just praying. We had some big bills this month and we ran out of money. We didn’t have any milk for our baby. I was just praying and asking God to show me how to get some milk.”

His wife in the kitchen yelled out, “I ask him to send an Angel with some.
Are you an Angel?”

The young man reached into his wallet and pulled out all the money he had on him and put in the man’s hand. He turned and walked back toward his car and the tears were streaming down his face.

He knew that God still answers prayers.

THIS IS A SIMPLE TEST….? If you believe that God is alive and well, send this to at least ten people and the person that sent it to you!!!!!!!!
This is so true. Sometimes it’s the simplest things that God asks us to do that cause us, if we are obedient to what He’s asking, to be able to hear. His voice more clear than ever. Please listen, and obey! It will bless you (and the world). Phil 4:13. This is an easy test, you score 100 or zero. It’s your choice.

If you aren’t ashamed to do this, please follow the directions. Jesus said, “If you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of you before my Father.”

Not ashamed Pass this on

As an aside, the original had a spiral notebook graphic on the left side, but I’m feeling too lazy to investigate how that was done and reproduce it. Let’s make fun of this stuff:

The man was standing there in his jeans and T-shirt. He looked like he
just got out of bed.

Oh, those crazy people in semi-commercial neighborhoods! Always sleeping in their jeans.

The man began speaking and half crying, “We were just praying. We had some big bills this month and we ran out of money. We didn’t have any milk for our baby. I was just praying and asking God to show me how to get some milk.”

I don’t want to sound like some La Leche League crazy person, but fake lady, I can tell you how you can have milk for your fake baby for free. Plus, babies shouldn’t have cow’s milk until they’re a year old. If this imaginary baby is old enough to drink cow’s milk, it’s old enough to not have to.

This is so true. Sometimes it’s the simplest things that God asks us to do that cause us, if we are obedient to what He’s asking, to be able to hear.

I don’t think going to a store, buying a gallon of milk, driving into a neighborhood you don’t know, going to a complete stranger’s house and giving them the milk qualifies as “simple.” That’s a lot of steps. And I’m not sure about the first sentence. Is it “this is so true,” like “That happens all the time,” or is it “this is so true,” and if you don’t believe me you’re a stupidhead and I hate you?

If you aren’t ashamed to do this, please follow the directions. Jesus said, “If you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of you before my Father.”

Do people have to put this in every email they write? I realize that religion operates pretty heavily on guilt, but give it a rest. Hey, new scoring item!

Let’s score this bad boy:

Helping Those Who Can’t Figure Out How to Help Themselves
I don’t know about these people, but I make sure I can eat before I pay the rest of my bills, and I don’t even have a baby. I imagine if I did have kids, I’d make sure they were fed before, and possibly instead of, paying as many of my bills as necessary.

Pass This Along- If You Aren’t Ashamed

Attempting to promote religion through the use of analogy/metaphor/simile that makes it look unappealing to those outside the religion
Where I come from, people who hear a voice they think is a god and do what that voice tells them to do go for psych evals.