CCCE- Jesus Is My Stalker

This CCCE is called “A Letter from Jesus.” It’s just, wow. That’s all I’ll say for now- read:

My Precious Friend,

I am sending you this letter by way of one of My disciples. I just wanted to let you know how much I love and care about you and how I greatly desire to become a meaningful part of your life.

This morning when you awoke I was already there with you in the light of My beautiful sunshine that filled your room. I was hoping that you would say good morning to Me: you didn’t. So, I thought maybe it just was just a little too early in the day for you to notice Me.

Again I tried to get your attention when you step out of your door. I kissed your face with a with a soft gentle breeze. I breathed upon you My fragrant sweet breath scented with flowers. Then I sang you a love song though the birds in the trees. You just walked right past Me.

Later on in the day, I watched over you as you were talking with some of your friends. Oh how I wished that you would talk to Me also. I waited and waited, but you just went along on your way.

This afternoon I sent you a refreshing shower and glistened to you from each raindrop. I even shouted at you a time or two with thunder, trying to get your attention. Then I panted you a lovely rainbow in the mist of my fluffy white clouds. I just knew you would see Me Then, but you were Unaware of my presence.

This evening to close your day, I sent you a beautiful sunset. After That, I winked at you a thousand times through my stars, hoping you would see Me and wink back, you never did.

Tonight when you went to bed, I spilled moonlight upon your face to let you know I was there with you. I was hoping you would talk to Me a little while before you went to sleep. You never said a word. It hurt Me deeply: however, I continued to watch over you all though the night thinking maybe, just maybe, you would say hello to Me in the morning.

Each and every day, I have revealed Myself to you in many strange and wonderful ways hoping you would accept Me as your shepherd. For I am the only one that can supply you with all your needs. My love for you is deeper than then the deepest ocean, bigger then the great blue sky. I have so very much to give to you and also to share with you. Please let Me hear from you real soon.

Your Loving Friend Forever,
Jesus

See what I meant up there? Wow. Jesus sure is needy. If one of my friends wrote a letter like that to me, I’d start trying to very gently ease them out of my life, because that’s the kind of friend who’s going to go all Single White Female on your ass when you try to stop hanging out with them. I’d save this letter just in case I needed it for evidence for the restraining order.

I like to think of the Christian god as an abusive parent- he’s very authoritarian, harshly punishes those who disobey the rules he sets up, demands that his children worship him, and on and on. Read these lists and tell me how many characteristics ol’ Yahweh exhibits. Why that’s appealing I’ll never know. The Jesus in this letter is more like an abusive partner. This is scary:

For I am the only one that can supply you with all your needs. My love for you is deeper than then the deepest ocean, bigger then the great blue sky. I have so very much to give to you and also to share with you.

Run away, change your name, do whatever you have to do to get away from this guy. Not only will he end up killing you when you won’t return his affections, he also doesn’t know the difference between “than” and “then.” And sometimes he just uses both.

This afternoon I sent you a refreshing shower and glistened to you from each raindrop. I even shouted at you a time or two with thunder, trying to get your attention. Then I panted you a lovely rainbow in the mist of my fluffy white clouds. I just knew you would see Me Then, but you were Unaware of my presence.

Uh, thanks Jesus, but I can “pant” my own rainbow with a garden hose on a sunny day. And you shouted at me through thunder? Through a sonic shock wave caused by the rapid heating and expansion of the air surrounding and within a bolt of lightning? Really? ‘Cause I speak English, along with some French and Spanish- not Thunder. If you could write me a creepy stalker letter in English, maybe you could talk to me, too, instead of just watching me sleep and “panting” (I’m not entirely convinced that’s not a Freudian slip) rainbows.

Gross. And not likely to win any converts, either.

Scoring:
Frequent grammar errors
Than/then confusion, random capitalization

Attempting to promote religion through the use of analogy/metaphor/simile that makes it look unappealing to those outside the religion.
No thanks, I don’t need an invisible stalker.

Me and God Are Like This!
Well, Jesus wants to be, but I don’t think I want that kind of relationship.

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7 Responses to CCCE- Jesus Is My Stalker

  1. Carla Carter says:

    Great job on your analysis of this really nauseating chain letter Amber!
    Love the rest of you blog too!

  2. ryan says:

    This letter was written with the intention of raising an awareness of Jesus’ love for us and our negligence of that love. Even though it does not accurately reflect the love and character of God. It is a man made attempt to do so, therefore it is fallible. Jesus is not a stalker, He is just: all knowing, all seeing and omnipresent. He is God. If you look up the word “God” in the dictionary, it would say ” self sufficient one.” Jesus is in need of nothing, because He is God. The bible says that God is love, so therefore how can he need love. Love originated from His very nature. I hope this helps clear up a few things. I say all this in love. May God bless you with understanding and revelation of who He really is.

  3. Lepht says:

    that’s actually quite impressive. if i was writing any more stalker novels, i would so use this… in fact, it’s kind of inspiring.

    “My father – let me tell you about Him…”

    perhaps this isn’t quite what the authors intended =]

    Lepht

    ps. ryan – that is not the definition of God, asshat.

  4. Andy says:

    So… since when did Jesus become a nature deity? Seriously — the more Christians try to insist that their religion is the only True religion, the more they make Christianity sound like every other so-called pagan religion out there.

  5. cypressgreen says:

    This is an old thread, but I just found this wonderful site yesterday and I could resist.

    Dear Jesus,
    I got an email from you today by way of one of my pushy co workers, who you say is your “disciple.” I’m really not sure why you didn’t just contact me personally. You should know I usually delete anything from her, but today I guess I was just feeling masochistic. Are there no computers for you to use in Heaven? ‘Cause if so, I’m not sure I want to go.
    This morning I awoke with your bright sunshine in my face. That sucked, because it meant I had forgotten to set the alarm and overslept. I ran thru the yard at top speed to catch the latest bus. Please. Who cares about birds and trees and shit when your boss is going to write you up?
    Later on in the day, I talked with some friends about the chewing out I got for being late. I didn’t really think it was a conversation you’d want to be in on since it included a lot of swear words like, “shit,” “God damn,” and “fucker.” Besides, I was none to happy with you for not getting me up in time for work. “Your Precious Friend” indeed…
    And thanks for the shower, buddy. My dogs left muddy paw prints all over my house again. They were racing around, scared of that damn thunder shouting (who the hell do you think you are, Billy Mays?). I couldn’t catch them until after they got all over the house, under the bed and in the closet. But I must admit it was a lovely rainbow. Too bad you don’t put pots of gold at the ends, though.
    I missed the beautiful sunset and stars. After washing the dogs, I had to clean the bedding and the house. Then I was up to 1 a.m. finishing the work my boss sent home, presumably since he was pissed that I was late.
    Next time cut it out with the moonlight. I need my sleep after a day like yesterday, ya’ know? “Talk to you a little while before I went to sleep?” About what, how the Indians lost again last weekend? Or why you let thousands of people starve every day while you waste time raining on my dogs and keeping me up with moon light and crap like that?
    (I don’t really like you watching over me while I sleep, either. I drool. That’s embarrassing.)
    So cut the hide and seek crap with all your “strange and wonderful ways.” If you want to talk, email me directly. Or call. You have my number.
    Sincerely, Me

    • Bubbasaurs says:

      Man, you stimulating a stalker! Better not to tell him to call or e-mail you. Soon, you will see that creep sleeping at your couch and using your remote to watch all those corny soap operas about love and friendship, while you just want to sit and get some beer and nachos and watch NFL.
      And think about when you doing that with your wife or girlfriend?
      With some bearded guy with a long hair standing by your bedside, watching you with a smile and whispering “I love you” while you doing the deed? That is totally creep!
      I already placed a court request for a restraining order to keep this guy, Jesus, and all his “friends”, the real life people (the christians, mormons and so) and the imaginary ones (the angels) too, at least two miles AWAY from my house, my family, my work, my dog, my car and my brand new TV set.
      I didn’t ask his dad to send him to die in any cross for me so I can go and live with him for the eternity. Who told him I want to go live with him for the eternity? If I had to choose a paradise to stay for the eternity, I would pick Valhalla, where we sit there playing dart and dice, drinking beer and being served by hot chicks on some sort of German hooters outfit (the Valkyries).
      If Yaweh and Jesus want me to pay attention to their stalker ways send me $ 3,487,891.23, no more no less, so I know that was not Khrishna or the Might Spaghetti that send the money instead…

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