Reader-Submitted CCCE: This Really Isn’t That Awesome

Reader Rachel sent this… thing. I hope you’re not using a slow connection, because there are a lot of graphics here.

Subject: This Is Awesome!
bible

If I don’t get this back, I will know you really didn’t read it. I got this from someone and thought the last part was really a good thought.

friends

Too bad that the person who sent it to me did
not know 10 people who would admit to knowing the Lord.

staringjesus

Do You Love Him?

butonlyonmyown

prayingmouse

This is a simple test:

churchsteeple

IF YOU LOVE JESUS, SEND
THIS TO AT LEAST 10 PEOPLE, INCLUDING
THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU!

jesusevigan

The Poem
I knelt to pray but not for long,
I had too much to do.
I had to hurry and get to work
For bills would soon be due.
So I knelt and said a hurried prayer,
And jumped up off my knees.
My Christian duty was now done
My soul could rest at ease…..
All day long I had no time
To spread a word of cheer
No time to speak of Christ to friends,
They’d laugh at me I’d fear.
No time, no time, too much to do,
That was my constant cry,
No time to give to souls in need
But at last the time, the time to die.
I went before the Lord,
I came, I stood with downcast eyes.
For in his hands God! held a book;
It was the book of life.
God looked into his book and said
“Your name I cannot find
I once was going to write it down…
But never found the time”

Now do you have the time
to pass it on?

birdie

Joy
I live in my own little world.
But it’s OK… They know me
Here!

If you look at what you do not have in life, you don’t have anything, If you look at what you have in life, you have everything.

Thomas Kinkade Paintings

(hope the water is moving!!)

probablynotkinkade

Hope the water flows when you get the picture

waterfall

READ THE FIRST LINE CAREFULLY. .

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God.

This is a Thomas Kinkade painting. It’s rumored to carry a miracle!

The water is supposed to be running, so if it’s not moving then the picture

Didn’t come through entirely.

miraclecrap

.

They say if you pass this on, you will receive a miracle.
I am passing this on because I thought it was really pretty,

And who couldn’t use a miracle?!

_____________________________________________________________________________

I put that line in there, just experimenting with a way to separate the email and my own text. Anyway, let’s get to business.

If I don’t get this back, I will know you really didn’t read it. I got this from someone and thought the last part was really a good thought. Too bad that the person who sent it to me did not know 10 people who would admit to knowing the Lord.

Well, that’s not very nice of the sender. And instead of my not really reading it, maybe you didn’t get it back from me because it’s a horrible, ugly email. Or maybe my spam filter caught it. Or maybe I don’t like you. Or maybe I don’t like sparkly text and I’m not really that impressed that you managed to find a site that would let you make sparkle-text gifs, because
sparklesparkle

And can we talk about the first picture, with Jesus holding a basket (wha?) kinda staring at the woman on the swing? She’s awaiting Christ’s return, according to that pillow/sampler/sign next to her, but she’s turned away from it, like maybe she’s about to get up and take those silly ribbons off her dress. The swing is hanging from a magic tree branch (where is the rope on the right side attached?) where it’s magically spring- those little helicopter things are on it, and fall- the leaves are turning color, at the same time. And I’m sorry, I don’t think Jesus is coming for you anytime soon, hon. It looks like he’s busy with his Easter basket there. Mmm, chocolate bunnies and Cadbury eggs.

Oh, anthropomorphized praying mouse, must you resort to puns?

The next portrait of Jesus was bothering me for a while, but I didn’t know why. Then I realized: That’s not Jesus, it’s Greg Evigan.my2gregs
See? Evigan! Which, if Jesus actually existed (and I’m not saying he did,) he would have looked a little more like Paul Reiser.

As for the alleged Thomas Kinkade paintings, well, I’m calling bullshit there. The third one is Kinkade, yes. We’ve all seen that one, but the other two? The first picture is in no way, shape, or form a painting. It looks like a screenshot from a SNES game- an early one like Secret of the Stars. The second picture looks like a poster you can buy at those stores that sell rainsticks. And I can’t hear Thomas Kinkade and water mentioned together without remembering that time he got drunk and peed on Winnie the Pooh.

The Poem
I knelt to pray but not for long,
I had too much to do.
I had to hurry and get to work
For bills would soon be due.
So I knelt and said a hurried prayer,
And jumped up off my knees.
My Christian duty was now done
My soul could rest at ease…..
All day long I had no time
To spread a word of cheer
No time to speak of Christ to friends,
They’d laugh at me I’d fear.
No time, no time, too much to do,
That was my constant cry,
No time to give to souls in need
But at last the time, the time to die.
I went before the Lord,
I came, I stood with downcast eyes.
For in his hands God! held a book;
It was the book of life.
God looked into his book and said
“Your name I cannot find
I once was going to write it down…
But never found the time”

So you’re going to hell for being busy? Nice, Christianity.

This is a Thomas Kinkade painting. It’s rumored to carry a miracle!

It’s a gif. How’s it got a miracle in it? I don’t think that’s covered in steganography.

I shoot, I score! Points for:
GraphicsAnimated gifs, sparkly text, Thomas Kinkade
Pass this along- If you aren’t ashamed!

I have a hypothesis about emails like this. I think that they start out as, say, one or two gifs and a poem. Then people get two or more of them at the same time and decide to put them together, leading to giant messy mashups like the last two CCCEs I’ve posted. At least I hope so. I really hope there aren’t people out there creating things like this from scratch. Because those people? Would be crazy.

I hope everybody had a happy Darwin Day.

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10 Responses to Reader-Submitted CCCE: This Really Isn’t That Awesome

  1. It’s a miracle if the gif displays? lol

    Call me a cynic, but if the ability to design an animated gif is a miracle, I am indeed godly.

  2. びっくり says:

    Wow, what a negative website. While I might be inclined to agree that the person who created this is living in a strange world; however, you probably spent as much effort trying to belittle them. I’m sorry I followed the trail here.

  3. frank says:

    Japanese name guy you are so right!

    Why waste your time poking fun at chain emails.Wow. Your life must be really fufilling with this ridiculous blog.

  4. Rev Marvin E Purser Jr says:

    I tried to set the moving pictures as backgrounds for my desktop and I was able to stop the water from moving. It’s a miracle!

  5. moi says:

    “Pass this along- If you aren’t ashamed!”: if these people can’t tell the difference between between being ashamed of being a Christian and being ashamed of tacky gifs and inane prose, then they’re really beyond any hope.
    Hilarious site BTW, I’m having a great time.

  6. Schranz says:

    What doest this crap has to do with miracles? If there is a Miracle in a gif-file, can I print it out, and use “the power of god” as often as i want?

    a happy Darwin Day too

  7. Lepht says:

    miraculous gif, huh… does a higher resolution grant better wishes?

    *exits to go create a 5600×13000 gif in order to cure cancer*

    Lepht

  8. michelle says:

    Greg Evigan? Please! that is funny! ;-) Seriously, though, I have always liked the “No Time” poem. What it means to me is that a person who claimed to be a Christian didn’t really put their heart into it and put God first. A Christian in “name only.” It’s like if someone took a job then didn’t do it or did it halfway. Their boss is going to notice and they will get fired. The boss isn’t the one who “fires” them. In reality here, the employee got themself fired. Whether you believe in God or not, He believes in you and I assure you, He is much, much, much kinder than you believe Him to be. These kinds of e-mails do come out cheesy though. While it can be fun to make fun of their claims that who knows whom has put in there, it certainly was not anyone with any knowledge of how Christianity is.

    Have a wonderful day. Keep smiling and God bless.

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