Got A Problem With My Site?

March 27, 2007

Say that shit to my face:
Call onacrazychain from your phone!

Or, more accurately, say it to an automated system that will record it and forward it to me. And then I’ll screen it and see if I’ll allow you to actually call me. And, you know, if you want to call and kiss my ass, feel free to do that, too.

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Supplement- Crazy Christian Junk Snailmail

March 13, 2007

I got this in the mail the other day, and I thought I’d scan it and share the silliness with y’all. I think it’s going to mess up the page a little with the image width. Sorry ’bout that. I also apologize for my mad scanning skillz.
Outer Envelope Front
21233 is Baltimore. I know you were wondering.
Envelope Back
The above image is the back of the damn envelope. The people who sent this may be crazy, but they don’t waste any space. The bolding/underlining insanity continues inside:
First Inside Page
Maybe I’m just an internet nerd, but when I see bolded, underlined text, I think it’s a hyperlink. This thing has really random emphasis. PLUS ALL-CAPS. Hint: if you want to make sure people pay attention to your emphasized points, don’t use emphasis everywhere. It’s confusing. This is only tangentially related to my point, but when I see all-caps text, I imagine it being read by Morbo. Or Thundercleese. Or that I’m playing Chrono Cross and Zoah’s talking. Yes, I’m a huge fucking nerd. Turn to page 2!
Page Two
I like that there’s a prayer checklist, although I’m confused by the “Confusion in my home” one. Is that a prayer to end confusion in the home or praying for confusion in the home? I also love that you can specify the dollar amount you need to be blessed with. I need a million dollars. Please pray for that. And if you don’t feel like checking a lot of boxes, there’s a helpful “All of the above” option. There were also some testimonials included:
Colorful testimonials
Random money, pardons from judges, and “Son in Law Is Off Dope.” I’m convinced! Oh, but there’s more:
Testimonals Part Deux
With art! I had some of those Bible story books when I was little, and I’m pretty sure they used the same illustrator as this. I’m sure you’re all wondering about the handkerchief they sent. Wonder no more:
Magical Prayer Handkerchief
That’s it. A piece of paper. Actually, the stock it’s printed on is closer to the placemats at cheap restaurants- kinda cloth-textured, but still paper. And it’s maaaagic! But you don’t get to keep it.
Break the seal!
They keep telling us that the ministry was founded in 1951. As religious institutions go, that’s not that impressive. Guess who didn’t destroy the sacred, spiritual prophecy even after deciding not to mail in the placemat hanky and prayer checklist?
Other two thirds of sealed
Jesus needs a haircut in this picture. Long is okay, but he’s venturing into mullet territory here. And a really limp-haired one at that. The page turns over to reveal YOUR SACRED PROPHECY:
Turn caps lock off, please
It’s very hard to read caps lock. I know. I work with this shit. Not a lower-case letter in sight. Remember the thing about not wasting any space? Here’s the return envelope:
Return envelope
I wonder if there are different branches of this ministry, because it was mailed from Baltimore, but I’d be sending it to Tulsa. I’m not curious enough to actually look these people up, but I still wonder. I think they might be the same people who were sending a prayer rug a couple years ago. It was pretty much the same thing as the handkerchief, only maybe with a different pattern. Remember a decade or so ago when the National Enquirer had that blue dot every week that carried psychic powers? This is pretty much the same thing. Is there some sort of printing press blessing ceremony that makes all these mass-produced pieces of paper miraculous?

This was fun. I hope I get more crap I don’t want in the mail.


Reader-Submitted CCCE- Mmm… Donut

March 13, 2007

Reader Erin sent a few CCCEs; she says she gets a lot of them from her crazy aunts. Maybe I should tell some of my aunts my email address so they can send me CCCEs, because y’all, I have got some crazy-ass aunts. Here’s one about college that was written by someone who most likely never went to one.

The Donut Story
There was a certain professor of religion named Dr. Christianson, a studious
man who taught at a small college in the western United States. Dr.
Christianson taught a required course in Christianity at this particular
institution. Every student was required to take this course regardless of
his or her major.

Although Dr. Christianson tried hard to communicate the essence of the
Gospel in his class, he found that most of his students looked upon the
course as nothing more than required drudgery. Despite his best efforts,
most students refused to take Christianity seriously.

This year Dr. Christianson had a special student named Steve. Steve was only
a freshman, but was studying with the intent of going on to Seminary. Steve
was popular, well liked and an imposing physical specimen. He was the
starting center on the school football team and the best student in the
class.

One day, Dr. Christianson asked Steve to stay after class so he could talk
with him. “How many push-ups can you do?”

Steve said, “I do about 200 every night.”

“200? That’s pretty good, Steve,” Dr. Christianson said. “Do you think you
could do 300?”

“I don’t know,” Steve replied, “I’ve never done 300 at a time.”

“Do you think you could?” again asked the professor.

“Well, I could try,” said Steve.

“Can you do 300 in sets of 10? I have a class project and I need you to do
about 300 push-ups in sets of ten for this to work. Can you do it? I need
you to tell me you can do it,” said Dr. Christianson.

Steve said, “Well… I think I can… yeah, I can do it.”

Dr. Christianson said, “Good! I need you to do this on Friday. Let me
explain what I have in mind.”

Friday came and Steve got to class early and sat in the front of the room.
When class started, the professor pulled out a big box of donuts. Now these
weren’t the normal kind of donuts, these were the big fancy kind, with cream
centers and frosting swirls. Friday, the last class of the day, and they
were going to get an early start on the weekend with a party in Dr.
Christianson’s class.

Dr. Christianson went to the first girl in the first row and asked, “Cynthia
would you like one of these donuts?” Cynthia said, “Yes please.”

Dr. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, “Steve, would you please do
ten push-ups so that Cynthia may have a donut?”

“Sure.” Steve jumped down from the desk, did ten quick push-ups, and then
returned to his desk. Dr. Christianson put a donut on Cynthia’s desk.

Dr. Christianson then went to Joe, the next person, and asked, “Joe do you
want a donut?”
Joe said, “Yes.” The professor asked, “Steve would you do ten push-ups so
Joe can have a donut?”

Steve did ten push-ups and Joe got a donut. And so it went, down the first
aisle. Steve did ten push-ups for each person before he received a donut.

Dr. Christianson continued down the second aisle until he came to Scott.
Scott was on the basketball team, and in as good physical condition as
Steve. Scott was popular and never lacking female companionship. When the
professor asked, “Scott would you like a donut?”

Scott’s reply was, “Yes, if I can do my own push-ups.”

Dr. Christianson said, “No, Steve has to do them.”

Scott said, “Then I don’t want one”

The professor shrugged and then turned to Steve and asked, “Steve, would you
do ten push-ups so Scott can have the donut he doesn’t want?”

With perfect obedience Steve started to do the push-ups.

Scott yelled, “HEY! I said I didn’t want one!”

Dr. Christianson said sternly, “Look, this is my class, these are my desks,
and these are my donuts. Just leave it on the desk if you don’t want it” And
he put a donut on Scott’s desk.

Now by this time, Steve had begun to perspire and was starting to slow down
a little. He just stayed on the floor between sets because it took too much
effort to get up and down.

As Dr. Christianson started down the third row, many students were beginning
to get a little angry.

Dr. Christianson asked Jenny, “Jenny, do you want a donut?” Jenny’s answer
was a firm “No!”
Then Dr. Christianson asked Steve, “Steve, would you do ten more push-ups so
Jenny can have a donut that she doesn’t want?” Steve did ten…Jenny got a
donut.

By now, a growing sense of uneasiness filled the room. The students were
beginning to say “No” and there were all these uneaten donuts on the desks.
Steve also had to put forth a lot of extra effort to get these push-ups done
for each donut. There was a pool of sweat on the floor beneath his face and
his arms were beginning to turn red because of the physical effort being put
forth.

Because Dr. Christianson could no longer bear to watch Steve’s hard work go
for all these uneaten donuts, he asked Robert, the most vocal unbeliever in
the class, to watch Steve do each push-up to make sure he did all ten in
each set.

As the professor started down the fourth row, he noticed some students from
other classes had wandered in and sat down on the steps along the radiators
that ran down the sides of the room. He did a quick count and saw that there
were now thirty-four students in the room. He started to worry that Steve
would not be able to make it. He went on to the next person and the next and
the next. Near the end of the row, Steve was really having a hard time. It
was taking a lot more time to complete each set.

Just then, Jason, a recent transfer student, came to the room. He was about
to enter when at once all of the students yelled, “NO!! Don’t come in!!”
Jason didn’t know what was going on.

Steve picked up his head and said, “No, let him come.”

Professor Christianson said, “You realize that if Jason comes in you will
have to do ten push-ups for him?”

“Yes, let him come in. Give him a donut.”

Dr. Christianson said, “Okay Steve, I’ll let you get Jason’s out of the way
right now. Jason, do you want a donut?”

Not even knowing what was going on, Jason said, “Yes, I’ll have a
donut.”

“Steve, will you do ten push-ups so that Jason can have a donut?”

Steve did ten very slow and labored push-ups. Jason, bewildered, was handed
a donut and sat down.

Dr. Christianson finished the fourth row and started on the visitors seated
by the radiators. Steve’s arms were now shaking with each push-up in a
struggle to lift himself against the force of gravity. Sweat was profusely
dripping off of his face and there was no sound except his heavy breathing.
By this time, there was not a dry eye in the room.

The very last two students in the room were two young women, both
cheerleaders, and very well-liked. Dr. Christianson went to Linda and asked
if she wanted a donut.

Linda said, very sadly, “No, thank you.”

The professor quietly asked, “Steve, would you do ten push-ups so that Linda
can have a donut she doesn’t want?” Grunting from the effort, Steve did ten
very slow push-ups for Linda.

The Dr. Christianson turned to the last girl, Susan “Susan, do you want a
donut?”

Susan, with tears streaming down her face pleaded, “Dr. Christianson, why
can’t I help him?”

Dr. Christianson, with tears of his own, explained, “No, Steve has to do it
alone. I have given him this task and he is in charge of seeing that
everyone here has an opportunity for a donut whether he wants it or not.
When I decided to have a party this last day of class, I looked at my grade
book. Steve is the only student with a perfect grade. Everyone else has
failed a test, skipped class, or offered up inferior work. Steve told me
that in football practice when a player messes up, he has to do push-ups. I
told Steve that none of you could come to the party unless he paid the price
by doing your push-ups. He and I made a deal for your sakes.

Steve, would you do ten push-ups so Susan can have a donut?”

As Steve very slowly finished his last push-up, with the understanding that
he had accomplished all that was required of him, having done 350 push-ups,
his arms buckled beneath him and he fell to the floor.

Dr. Christianson turned to the room and said, “And so it was, that our
Savior, Jesus Christ, plead to the Father, ‘into Thy hands I commend my
spirit.’ With the understanding that He had accomplished all that was
required of Him, He yielded up His life for us. And like some of those in
this room, many leave the gift on the desk, uneaten.”

Two students helped Steve up off the floor and to a seat, physically
exhausted, but wearing a thin smile.

“Well done good and faithful servant,” said the professor, adding, “Not all
sermons are preached in words.”

Turning to the class the professor said, “My wish is that you might
understand and fully comprehend all the riches of grace and mercy that have
been given to you through the sacrifice of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
God spared not His only begotten son, but gave him up for us and for the
whole world, now and forever. Whether we choose to accept His gift to us,
the price for our sins has been paid. Wouldn’t it be foolish and wouldn’t it
be ungrateful just to leave it laying on the desk?”

There is nothing in this story that even sounds true. Let’s start at the top. The professor’s name is Dr. Christianson, and he teaches a classon Christianity? How very Pilgrim’s Progress. Maybe I should change my last name to Heathenstrom.

Dr.
Christianson taught a required course in Christianity at this particular
institution. Every student was required to take this course regardless of
his or her major.

Oh really? This is a Christian school, right? Or at the very least a private school. Because you’d have a hard time floating a required course on Christianity that from the story seems to be an exercise in prostelyzation at a state school. Speaking of which, in what world is a religious studies professor actually religious? this guy was the chair of the Religious Studies department of my alma mater when I was there.

The professor shrugged and then turned to Steve and asked, “Steve, would you
do ten push-ups so Scott can have the donut he doesn’t want?”

With perfect obedience Steve started to do the push-ups.

Scott yelled, “HEY! I said I didn’t want one!”

Dr. Christianson said sternly, “Look, this is my class, these are my desks,
and these are my donuts. Just leave it on the desk if you don’t want it” And
he put a donut on Scott’s desk.

Okay, first of all, Doctor Fakenamerson, you’re being a prick. Second, no those aren’t your desks, they’re the university’s.

Because Dr. Christianson could no longer bear to watch Steve’s hard work go
for all these uneaten donuts, he asked Robert, the most vocal unbeliever in
the class, to watch Steve do each push-up to make sure he did all ten in
each set.

Okay, what? That doesn’t make sense. Instead of, say, stopping the exercise because poor Steve’s about to have a coronary in the middle of “his” classroom, the professor makes the biggest heathen in class count all his pushups?

As the professor started down the fourth row, he noticed some students from
other classes had wandered in and sat down on the steps along the radiators
that ran down the sides of the room. He did a quick count and saw that there
were now thirty-four students in the room…

Just then, Jason, a recent transfer student, came to the room. He was about
to enter when at once all of the students yelled, “NO!! Don’t come in!!”
Jason didn’t know what was going on.

Remember the part about the author of this piece (and I mean piece in every way possible) never having been to college? This pretty much proves my point. Unless there was a lot of noise filtering out into the hallway, students from other classes wouldn’t just wander into another room. And even if they did, they probably wouldn’t sit down; they’d stand at the back and gawk like normal people. Plus, how the hell many donuts did this guy bring? Presumably he knew how many students he had and could buy accordingly.

As for the second paragraph, “a recent transfer student”? At a college? At the end of a semester? Yeah, not so much. You can transfer to high school at the end of a semester, or middle school, or elementary school, but universities generally expect students to attend for an entire semester. I hope they prorated his tuition, because it seems like a waste of money to pay for a whole semester if you’re just transferring in at the end.

Turning to the class the professor said, “My wish is that you might
understand and fully comprehend all the riches of grace and mercy that have
been given to you through the sacrifice of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
God spared not His only begotten son, but gave him up for us and for the
whole world, now and forever. Whether we choose to accept His gift to us,
the price for our sins has been paid. Wouldn’t it be foolish and wouldn’t it
be ungrateful just to leave it laying on the desk?”

Dude, maybe I had a big breakfast. Or maybe I just don’t like donuts. Or maybe I think you’re being an asshole doing that to someone who’s done good things for you. But tell me this: did Dr. Appropriatelynamedson create Football-Playing Steve for the express purpose of making him do an asssload of pushups? Because that’s the story of Jesus. Made entirely to die for the sins of the world. That’s the guy’s whole purpose. To go around being all inspirational and then die. And inspire crappy musicals. Which then inspire funny Mr. Show sketches. I tried to find video for that one but couldn’t. I busted out the Season 1/2 DVDs and watched it though, and it was good.

Score this:
Attempting to promote religion through the use of analogy/metaphor/simile that makes it look unappealing to those outside the religion. Or in this case, through the use of sadism and fried dough.