Supplement- Crazy Christian Junk Snailmail

I got this in the mail the other day, and I thought I’d scan it and share the silliness with y’all. I think it’s going to mess up the page a little with the image width. Sorry ’bout that. I also apologize for my mad scanning skillz.
Outer Envelope Front
21233 is Baltimore. I know you were wondering.
Envelope Back
The above image is the back of the damn envelope. The people who sent this may be crazy, but they don’t waste any space. The bolding/underlining insanity continues inside:
First Inside Page
Maybe I’m just an internet nerd, but when I see bolded, underlined text, I think it’s a hyperlink. This thing has really random emphasis. PLUS ALL-CAPS. Hint: if you want to make sure people pay attention to your emphasized points, don’t use emphasis everywhere. It’s confusing. This is only tangentially related to my point, but when I see all-caps text, I imagine it being read by Morbo. Or Thundercleese. Or that I’m playing Chrono Cross and Zoah’s talking. Yes, I’m a huge fucking nerd. Turn to page 2!
Page Two
I like that there’s a prayer checklist, although I’m confused by the “Confusion in my home” one. Is that a prayer to end confusion in the home or praying for confusion in the home? I also love that you can specify the dollar amount you need to be blessed with. I need a million dollars. Please pray for that. And if you don’t feel like checking a lot of boxes, there’s a helpful “All of the above” option. There were also some testimonials included:
Colorful testimonials
Random money, pardons from judges, and “Son in Law Is Off Dope.” I’m convinced! Oh, but there’s more:
Testimonals Part Deux
With art! I had some of those Bible story books when I was little, and I’m pretty sure they used the same illustrator as this. I’m sure you’re all wondering about the handkerchief they sent. Wonder no more:
Magical Prayer Handkerchief
That’s it. A piece of paper. Actually, the stock it’s printed on is closer to the placemats at cheap restaurants- kinda cloth-textured, but still paper. And it’s maaaagic! But you don’t get to keep it.
Break the seal!
They keep telling us that the ministry was founded in 1951. As religious institutions go, that’s not that impressive. Guess who didn’t destroy the sacred, spiritual prophecy even after deciding not to mail in the placemat hanky and prayer checklist?
Other two thirds of sealed
Jesus needs a haircut in this picture. Long is okay, but he’s venturing into mullet territory here. And a really limp-haired one at that. The page turns over to reveal YOUR SACRED PROPHECY:
Turn caps lock off, please
It’s very hard to read caps lock. I know. I work with this shit. Not a lower-case letter in sight. Remember the thing about not wasting any space? Here’s the return envelope:
Return envelope
I wonder if there are different branches of this ministry, because it was mailed from Baltimore, but I’d be sending it to Tulsa. I’m not curious enough to actually look these people up, but I still wonder. I think they might be the same people who were sending a prayer rug a couple years ago. It was pretty much the same thing as the handkerchief, only maybe with a different pattern. Remember a decade or so ago when the National Enquirer had that blue dot every week that carried psychic powers? This is pretty much the same thing. Is there some sort of printing press blessing ceremony that makes all these mass-produced pieces of paper miraculous?

This was fun. I hope I get more crap I don’t want in the mail.

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19 Responses to Supplement- Crazy Christian Junk Snailmail

  1. Nomen says:

    Wait . . . did you OPEN the prophecy? I had to read through all that crap, I want to know what the SEKRIT-PERSONAL-PROPHECIES-THAT-YOU-DIDN’T-DESTROY say! (Or did I just miss it?)

  2. I messed it up. It should be fixed now.

  3. HeIsSailing says:

    You don’t want it?? Send it to me, I love that stuff. Can’t get enough of it. I got a whole drawer full of them that I have collected over the years. Well, you can thank Paul for those wacky Miracle Hankys.

  4. rtone says:

    Ha ha, but this sort of thing is always… er, you know, this sort of thing! It targets a certain type of person, it “speaks to them”. Worryingly. Hugely enjoyable blog, thanx. I laughed with glee, which only happens on a blue moon.

  5. Babs says:

    I hope I get a magical, paper handkerchief in the mail. I could think of all kinds of things to write on it before I mailed it back.

    It is sad that there are people who fall for this kind of thing, though.

  6. Pete Aldin says:

    I was about to send you this letter I wrote. Maybe I better not…

  7. UM says:

    Dear “someone connected to this home”.
    ” Please send that stuff to me. I need miracles. If you don’t send it to me, I’ll be forced to go to IHOP and get one of those “blessed hankerchiefs”.
    Your truly, (or should it be YOURS TRULY)
    someone connected to this home

    That was really funny! Seriously, hoping that I get one.

  8. […] Easter is nearly upon us. And sometimes us crazy Christian-folk have been accused of messing up our kids’ minds with what is a very violent story. (Mind you, […]

  9. Jill says:

    I got the same letter! I’m in the 21211… My friends and I are in design and were talking about all the money wasted on 4-color printing, full-bleeds, hand stuffing envelopes…
    I miss the comic tracts that used to get handed to me as I walked down charles street, at least those were funny, and cheaply produced!

  10. heathenmommy says:

    I have gotten several similar to this but it’s a prayer “rug” that you pray on and then send. I have sent back some….colorful messages on them. ;)

  11. I haven’t gotten that specific piece of craziness yet but as my wife said we’ve gotten a “Prayer Rug” (piece of paper with the face of Jesus on it) that I guess we were supposed to squat on at pray for whatever and send it back. I sent it back alright, in about 100 pieces with a lovely (colorful) message scrawled on the back of those pieces…

  12. […] door knockers, and, my personal favorite, snail mail “prayer rugs” or “faith handkerchiefs“. I have personally had the honor of receiving not one, but two prayer rugs, in two states, […]

  13. The Kym says:

    No way, I got one of those crazy letters, too (but I live in Texas). I tried to use the handkerchief, but it made my face all scratchy. Those crazy Christians….

  14. Lepht says:

    it’s another faith handkerchief! another anti-religion blog got one of these a while back – i think it was Akusai over at Action Skeptics. these things are awesomely inane.

    i wish people in my country were stupid enough to send those out.

    no, wait. no i don’t.

    Lepht

  15. Erica Leigh says:

    We got one of those the other day … we are Christians, and laughed our asses off about this one. Wowza. Our favorite part was the “Son-In-Law off of Dope” testimonial. So good.

    Man I love this site.

  16. Is it just me, or does the guy laying under the red blanket have some serious morning wood?

  17. mike says:

    Just got one of these. Crazy crap.

    “Resident – to a friend”

    How do these idiots get away with being a non profit org? Thats bull crap.

  18. jenstar says:

    I got a few different ones in the mail after moving into my new house. I live in TX.
    I got the purple ribbon, a red and white checkered picnic cloth, and the hanky……I actually DID do the hanky one. I figured, whats the worst that can happen, right?
    I did as directed, step by step…..I have found tons of entries online about these “seed-faith offerings” as being a scam to send money, but I dont recall the letter ever asking to send money….i think it asked to donate if you wanted to get a book/ Bible, but no need to send any money upon sending it back with my prayer before dusk after sleeping on it…..

    I CAN say that I simple asked for a prayer for my younger brother (12 at the time) because he was suffering from abandonment & neglect of love from our mom after she remarried….she always left him home alone as they went out and cared more about their horses and puppies than him.
    The morning I sent it off, I got a call that afternoon that my mom didnt welcome her own son to live with her anymore (of course, at her husband’s request), and that she was kicking her own son out!
    She even withdrew him from school 2 weeks early because she wanted him out NOW!

    As terrible as it sounds, it was an answered prayer because she obviously didnt seems to love or care for him any longer…so now he is with our dad and sometimes stays with me. with people who actually love him and want him around.

    So, no money to them and my prayer still blessed!
    =)

  19. I just sent you an email re; Peter Popoff ministries, who’s come-on is VERY similar, down to the fake “underlined” words in the letter.

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