Supplement- Crazy Christian Junk Snailmail

I got this in the mail the other day, and I thought I’d scan it and share the silliness with y’all. I think it’s going to mess up the page a little with the image width. Sorry ’bout that. I also apologize for my mad scanning skillz.

21233 is Baltimore. I know you were wondering.

The above image is the back of the damn envelope. The people who sent this may be crazy, but they don’t waste any space. The bolding/underlining insanity continues inside:

Maybe I’m just an internet nerd, but when I see bolded, underlined text, I think it’s a hyperlink. This thing has really random emphasis. PLUS ALL-CAPS. Hint: if you want to make sure people pay attention to your emphasized points, don’t use emphasis everywhere. It’s confusing. This is only tangentially related to my point, but when I see all-caps text, I imagine it being read by Morbo. Or Thundercleese. Or that I’m playing Chrono Cross and Zoah’s talking. Yes, I’m a huge fucking nerd. Turn to page 2!

I like that there’s a prayer checklist, although I’m confused by the “Confusion in my home” one. Is that a prayer to end confusion in the home or praying for confusion in the home? I also love that you can specify the dollar amount you need to be blessed with. I need a million dollars. Please pray for that. And if you don’t feel like checking a lot of boxes, there’s a helpful “All of the above” option. There were also some testimonials included:

Random money, pardons from judges, and “Son in Law Is Off Dope.” I’m convinced! Oh, but there’s more:

With art! I had some of those Bible story books when I was little, and I’m pretty sure they used the same illustrator as this. I’m sure you’re all wondering about the handkerchief they sent. Wonder no more:

That’s it. A piece of paper. Actually, the stock it’s printed on is closer to the placemats at cheap restaurants- kinda cloth-textured, but still paper. And it’s maaaagic! But you don’t get to keep it.

They keep telling us that the ministry was founded in 1951. As religious institutions go, that’s not that impressive. Guess who didn’t destroy the sacred, spiritual prophecy even after deciding not to mail in the placemat hanky and prayer checklist?

Jesus needs a haircut in this picture. Long is okay, but he’s venturing into mullet territory here. And a really limp-haired one at that. The page turns over to reveal YOUR SACRED PROPHECY:

It’s very hard to read caps lock. I know. I work with this shit. Not a lower-case letter in sight. Remember the thing about not wasting any space? Here’s the return envelope:

I wonder if there are different branches of this ministry, because it was mailed from Baltimore, but I’d be sending it to Tulsa. I’m not curious enough to actually look these people up, but I still wonder. I think they might be the same people who were sending a prayer rug a couple years ago. It was pretty much the same thing as the handkerchief, only maybe with a different pattern. Remember a decade or so ago when the National Enquirer had that blue dot every week that carried psychic powers? This is pretty much the same thing. Is there some sort of printing press blessing ceremony that makes all these mass-produced pieces of paper miraculous?

This was fun. I hope I get more crap I don’t want in the mail.