Another Administrative Post

May 10, 2007

I haven’t gone away, I’ve just been busy with work and some other stuff. I’ve been keeping up with the site’s stats, and I’d like to know who all these people coming to the site by searching “onacrazychain” are. It’s flattering and weird at the same time to be searched by my online handle. I’ll be back to make fun of more emails soon, when my schedule calms the hell down, probably next week sometime.

So kids, Mommy has to leave for a little while. Here are a couple videos for you to watch. And don’t just sit around and eat while I’m gone; I’m making fried chicken and mashed potatoes and gravy for supper.











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Reader-Submitted CCCE: It’s Called The Cradle of Civilization for a Reason

April 16, 2007

Reader Tamara sends this along. I’ve been mulling over my response to it for a week. Let’s see how I’m doing. All formatting anomalies are present in the source material.









Read down to the very bottom highlighted in green, IT GAVE ME GOOSEBUMPS!!! You don’t want to miss this! ((*_*))

VERY INTERESTING-

1. The Garden of Eden was in Iraq.

2. Mesopotamia, which is now Iraq, was the cradle of civilization!

3. Noah built the ark in Iraq.

4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq.

5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Southern Iraq!

6. Isaac’s wife Rebekah is from Nahor, which is in Iraq!

7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq.

8. Jonah preached in Nineveh – which is in Iraq.

9. Assyria, which is in Iraq, conquered the ten tribes of Israel.

10. Amos cried out in Iraq!

11. Babylon, which is in Iraq, destroyed Jerusalem.

12. Daniel was in the lion’s den in Iraq!

13. The three Hebrew children were in the fire in Iraq (Jesus had been in Iraq also as the fourth person in the Fiery furnace!)

14. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon saw the “writing on the wall” in Iraq.

15. Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, carried the Jews captive into Iraq.

16. Ezekiel preached in Iraq.

17. The wise men were from Iraq

18. Peter preached in Iraq.

19. The “Empire of Man” described in Revelation is called Babylon, which was a city in Iraq!

And you have probably seen this one. Israel is the nation most often mentioned in the Bible. But do you know which nation is second? It is Iraq! However, that is not the name that is used in the Bible The names used in the Bible are Babylon, Land of Shinar, and Mesopotamia. The word Mesopotamia means between the two rivers, more exactly between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers. The name Iraq, means country with deep roots.

Indeed Iraq is a country with deep roots and is a very significant country in the Bible.

No other nation, except Israel, has more history and prophecy associated it than Iraq.

And also, this is something to think about! Since America is typically represented by an eagle. Saddam should have read up on his Muslim passages…

The following verse is from the Koran, (the Islamic Bible)

Koran (9:11) – For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and there was peace.
(Note the verse number!) Hmmmmm?!









I BETTER NOT HEAR OF ANYONE BREAKING THIS ONE OR SEE DELETED This is a ribbon for soldiers fighting in Iraq. Pass it on to everyone and pray. Something good will happen to you tonight at 11:11 PM. This is not a joke one will either call you or will talk to you online and say that they love you. Do not break this chain. Send this to 13 people in the next 15 minutes. Go.









I think I can sum up the list of “facts about Iraq” presented in this email this way: A place in the region in which a particular religion developed (and in which the religions from which* that particular religion evolved also developed) figures prominently in the text of the holy book? Who would have expected that?

I don’t really care enough to go through all the bible examples to verify the locations, but I do want to point out that Gilgamesh lived in Iraq, too. He was pretty badass. I’m not sure if this is an example of it, but it looks a lot like the Christian apologist tactic of claiming that the mythology is true because the events happened in real places. The counterargument, which I’m shamelessly ripping off from The Non-Prophets, is that Spiderman takes place in New York, but that doesn’t make Spiderman real.

The problem with this email isn’t the simplistic and possibly not accurate geography lesson; it’s what follows it.

And also, this is something to think about! Since America is typically represented by an eagle. Saddam should have read up on his Muslim passages…

The following verse is from the Koran, (the Islamic Bible)

Koran (9:11) – For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and there was peace.
(Note the verse number!) Hmmmmm?!

Where to start? There’s the glaring sentence fragment up top, the labeling of the Quran as “The Islamic Bible,” which I’m guessing is not going to win any Muslim friends- is the Bible the “Christian Quran”? Are the Torah and Talmud the “Jewish Vedas”? Then there’s the long-ago debunked fake passage from the Quran. If you believe that one, I’ve got some Nostradamus quatrains for you.

Something good will happen to you tonight at 11:11 PM. This is not a joke one will either call you or will talk to you online and say that they love you.

The twelve-year-old girl promise just wraps it up nicely. And I doubt somebody would decide to call me and say they love me at 11:11 at night. I’m at work then, and I’m much more likely to get a call from someone who wants to tell me that their house is on fire, or their brother just cut his leg off, or that “I need to talk to the Chief about that stupid fuckin’ cop that just gave me a ticket.” But that’s just me and my job.

Hey, let’s score this.

Points for:

Multiple colors

Multiple type sizes

ALL CAPS

Urban legend

Promise of something good/unlikely if the email is passed on to X people in Y minutes

*Yes, I realize all the “(preposition) which” structures in this passage make me look like a total pedantic grammar bitch, but, well, I am.


Got A Problem With My Site?

March 27, 2007

Say that shit to my face:
Call onacrazychain from your phone!

Or, more accurately, say it to an automated system that will record it and forward it to me. And then I’ll screen it and see if I’ll allow you to actually call me. And, you know, if you want to call and kiss my ass, feel free to do that, too.


Supplement- Crazy Christian Junk Snailmail

March 13, 2007

I got this in the mail the other day, and I thought I’d scan it and share the silliness with y’all. I think it’s going to mess up the page a little with the image width. Sorry ’bout that. I also apologize for my mad scanning skillz.
Outer Envelope Front
21233 is Baltimore. I know you were wondering.
Envelope Back
The above image is the back of the damn envelope. The people who sent this may be crazy, but they don’t waste any space. The bolding/underlining insanity continues inside:
First Inside Page
Maybe I’m just an internet nerd, but when I see bolded, underlined text, I think it’s a hyperlink. This thing has really random emphasis. PLUS ALL-CAPS. Hint: if you want to make sure people pay attention to your emphasized points, don’t use emphasis everywhere. It’s confusing. This is only tangentially related to my point, but when I see all-caps text, I imagine it being read by Morbo. Or Thundercleese. Or that I’m playing Chrono Cross and Zoah’s talking. Yes, I’m a huge fucking nerd. Turn to page 2!
Page Two
I like that there’s a prayer checklist, although I’m confused by the “Confusion in my home” one. Is that a prayer to end confusion in the home or praying for confusion in the home? I also love that you can specify the dollar amount you need to be blessed with. I need a million dollars. Please pray for that. And if you don’t feel like checking a lot of boxes, there’s a helpful “All of the above” option. There were also some testimonials included:
Colorful testimonials
Random money, pardons from judges, and “Son in Law Is Off Dope.” I’m convinced! Oh, but there’s more:
Testimonals Part Deux
With art! I had some of those Bible story books when I was little, and I’m pretty sure they used the same illustrator as this. I’m sure you’re all wondering about the handkerchief they sent. Wonder no more:
Magical Prayer Handkerchief
That’s it. A piece of paper. Actually, the stock it’s printed on is closer to the placemats at cheap restaurants- kinda cloth-textured, but still paper. And it’s maaaagic! But you don’t get to keep it.
Break the seal!
They keep telling us that the ministry was founded in 1951. As religious institutions go, that’s not that impressive. Guess who didn’t destroy the sacred, spiritual prophecy even after deciding not to mail in the placemat hanky and prayer checklist?
Other two thirds of sealed
Jesus needs a haircut in this picture. Long is okay, but he’s venturing into mullet territory here. And a really limp-haired one at that. The page turns over to reveal YOUR SACRED PROPHECY:
Turn caps lock off, please
It’s very hard to read caps lock. I know. I work with this shit. Not a lower-case letter in sight. Remember the thing about not wasting any space? Here’s the return envelope:
Return envelope
I wonder if there are different branches of this ministry, because it was mailed from Baltimore, but I’d be sending it to Tulsa. I’m not curious enough to actually look these people up, but I still wonder. I think they might be the same people who were sending a prayer rug a couple years ago. It was pretty much the same thing as the handkerchief, only maybe with a different pattern. Remember a decade or so ago when the National Enquirer had that blue dot every week that carried psychic powers? This is pretty much the same thing. Is there some sort of printing press blessing ceremony that makes all these mass-produced pieces of paper miraculous?

This was fun. I hope I get more crap I don’t want in the mail.


Reader-Submitted CCCE- Mmm… Donut

March 13, 2007

Reader Erin sent a few CCCEs; she says she gets a lot of them from her crazy aunts. Maybe I should tell some of my aunts my email address so they can send me CCCEs, because y’all, I have got some crazy-ass aunts. Here’s one about college that was written by someone who most likely never went to one.

The Donut Story
There was a certain professor of religion named Dr. Christianson, a studious
man who taught at a small college in the western United States. Dr.
Christianson taught a required course in Christianity at this particular
institution. Every student was required to take this course regardless of
his or her major.

Although Dr. Christianson tried hard to communicate the essence of the
Gospel in his class, he found that most of his students looked upon the
course as nothing more than required drudgery. Despite his best efforts,
most students refused to take Christianity seriously.

This year Dr. Christianson had a special student named Steve. Steve was only
a freshman, but was studying with the intent of going on to Seminary. Steve
was popular, well liked and an imposing physical specimen. He was the
starting center on the school football team and the best student in the
class.

One day, Dr. Christianson asked Steve to stay after class so he could talk
with him. “How many push-ups can you do?”

Steve said, “I do about 200 every night.”

“200? That’s pretty good, Steve,” Dr. Christianson said. “Do you think you
could do 300?”

“I don’t know,” Steve replied, “I’ve never done 300 at a time.”

“Do you think you could?” again asked the professor.

“Well, I could try,” said Steve.

“Can you do 300 in sets of 10? I have a class project and I need you to do
about 300 push-ups in sets of ten for this to work. Can you do it? I need
you to tell me you can do it,” said Dr. Christianson.

Steve said, “Well… I think I can… yeah, I can do it.”

Dr. Christianson said, “Good! I need you to do this on Friday. Let me
explain what I have in mind.”

Friday came and Steve got to class early and sat in the front of the room.
When class started, the professor pulled out a big box of donuts. Now these
weren’t the normal kind of donuts, these were the big fancy kind, with cream
centers and frosting swirls. Friday, the last class of the day, and they
were going to get an early start on the weekend with a party in Dr.
Christianson’s class.

Dr. Christianson went to the first girl in the first row and asked, “Cynthia
would you like one of these donuts?” Cynthia said, “Yes please.”

Dr. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, “Steve, would you please do
ten push-ups so that Cynthia may have a donut?”

“Sure.” Steve jumped down from the desk, did ten quick push-ups, and then
returned to his desk. Dr. Christianson put a donut on Cynthia’s desk.

Dr. Christianson then went to Joe, the next person, and asked, “Joe do you
want a donut?”
Joe said, “Yes.” The professor asked, “Steve would you do ten push-ups so
Joe can have a donut?”

Steve did ten push-ups and Joe got a donut. And so it went, down the first
aisle. Steve did ten push-ups for each person before he received a donut.

Dr. Christianson continued down the second aisle until he came to Scott.
Scott was on the basketball team, and in as good physical condition as
Steve. Scott was popular and never lacking female companionship. When the
professor asked, “Scott would you like a donut?”

Scott’s reply was, “Yes, if I can do my own push-ups.”

Dr. Christianson said, “No, Steve has to do them.”

Scott said, “Then I don’t want one”

The professor shrugged and then turned to Steve and asked, “Steve, would you
do ten push-ups so Scott can have the donut he doesn’t want?”

With perfect obedience Steve started to do the push-ups.

Scott yelled, “HEY! I said I didn’t want one!”

Dr. Christianson said sternly, “Look, this is my class, these are my desks,
and these are my donuts. Just leave it on the desk if you don’t want it” And
he put a donut on Scott’s desk.

Now by this time, Steve had begun to perspire and was starting to slow down
a little. He just stayed on the floor between sets because it took too much
effort to get up and down.

As Dr. Christianson started down the third row, many students were beginning
to get a little angry.

Dr. Christianson asked Jenny, “Jenny, do you want a donut?” Jenny’s answer
was a firm “No!”
Then Dr. Christianson asked Steve, “Steve, would you do ten more push-ups so
Jenny can have a donut that she doesn’t want?” Steve did ten…Jenny got a
donut.

By now, a growing sense of uneasiness filled the room. The students were
beginning to say “No” and there were all these uneaten donuts on the desks.
Steve also had to put forth a lot of extra effort to get these push-ups done
for each donut. There was a pool of sweat on the floor beneath his face and
his arms were beginning to turn red because of the physical effort being put
forth.

Because Dr. Christianson could no longer bear to watch Steve’s hard work go
for all these uneaten donuts, he asked Robert, the most vocal unbeliever in
the class, to watch Steve do each push-up to make sure he did all ten in
each set.

As the professor started down the fourth row, he noticed some students from
other classes had wandered in and sat down on the steps along the radiators
that ran down the sides of the room. He did a quick count and saw that there
were now thirty-four students in the room. He started to worry that Steve
would not be able to make it. He went on to the next person and the next and
the next. Near the end of the row, Steve was really having a hard time. It
was taking a lot more time to complete each set.

Just then, Jason, a recent transfer student, came to the room. He was about
to enter when at once all of the students yelled, “NO!! Don’t come in!!”
Jason didn’t know what was going on.

Steve picked up his head and said, “No, let him come.”

Professor Christianson said, “You realize that if Jason comes in you will
have to do ten push-ups for him?”

“Yes, let him come in. Give him a donut.”

Dr. Christianson said, “Okay Steve, I’ll let you get Jason’s out of the way
right now. Jason, do you want a donut?”

Not even knowing what was going on, Jason said, “Yes, I’ll have a
donut.”

“Steve, will you do ten push-ups so that Jason can have a donut?”

Steve did ten very slow and labored push-ups. Jason, bewildered, was handed
a donut and sat down.

Dr. Christianson finished the fourth row and started on the visitors seated
by the radiators. Steve’s arms were now shaking with each push-up in a
struggle to lift himself against the force of gravity. Sweat was profusely
dripping off of his face and there was no sound except his heavy breathing.
By this time, there was not a dry eye in the room.

The very last two students in the room were two young women, both
cheerleaders, and very well-liked. Dr. Christianson went to Linda and asked
if she wanted a donut.

Linda said, very sadly, “No, thank you.”

The professor quietly asked, “Steve, would you do ten push-ups so that Linda
can have a donut she doesn’t want?” Grunting from the effort, Steve did ten
very slow push-ups for Linda.

The Dr. Christianson turned to the last girl, Susan “Susan, do you want a
donut?”

Susan, with tears streaming down her face pleaded, “Dr. Christianson, why
can’t I help him?”

Dr. Christianson, with tears of his own, explained, “No, Steve has to do it
alone. I have given him this task and he is in charge of seeing that
everyone here has an opportunity for a donut whether he wants it or not.
When I decided to have a party this last day of class, I looked at my grade
book. Steve is the only student with a perfect grade. Everyone else has
failed a test, skipped class, or offered up inferior work. Steve told me
that in football practice when a player messes up, he has to do push-ups. I
told Steve that none of you could come to the party unless he paid the price
by doing your push-ups. He and I made a deal for your sakes.

Steve, would you do ten push-ups so Susan can have a donut?”

As Steve very slowly finished his last push-up, with the understanding that
he had accomplished all that was required of him, having done 350 push-ups,
his arms buckled beneath him and he fell to the floor.

Dr. Christianson turned to the room and said, “And so it was, that our
Savior, Jesus Christ, plead to the Father, ‘into Thy hands I commend my
spirit.’ With the understanding that He had accomplished all that was
required of Him, He yielded up His life for us. And like some of those in
this room, many leave the gift on the desk, uneaten.”

Two students helped Steve up off the floor and to a seat, physically
exhausted, but wearing a thin smile.

“Well done good and faithful servant,” said the professor, adding, “Not all
sermons are preached in words.”

Turning to the class the professor said, “My wish is that you might
understand and fully comprehend all the riches of grace and mercy that have
been given to you through the sacrifice of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
God spared not His only begotten son, but gave him up for us and for the
whole world, now and forever. Whether we choose to accept His gift to us,
the price for our sins has been paid. Wouldn’t it be foolish and wouldn’t it
be ungrateful just to leave it laying on the desk?”

There is nothing in this story that even sounds true. Let’s start at the top. The professor’s name is Dr. Christianson, and he teaches a classon Christianity? How very Pilgrim’s Progress. Maybe I should change my last name to Heathenstrom.

Dr.
Christianson taught a required course in Christianity at this particular
institution. Every student was required to take this course regardless of
his or her major.

Oh really? This is a Christian school, right? Or at the very least a private school. Because you’d have a hard time floating a required course on Christianity that from the story seems to be an exercise in prostelyzation at a state school. Speaking of which, in what world is a religious studies professor actually religious? this guy was the chair of the Religious Studies department of my alma mater when I was there.

The professor shrugged and then turned to Steve and asked, “Steve, would you
do ten push-ups so Scott can have the donut he doesn’t want?”

With perfect obedience Steve started to do the push-ups.

Scott yelled, “HEY! I said I didn’t want one!”

Dr. Christianson said sternly, “Look, this is my class, these are my desks,
and these are my donuts. Just leave it on the desk if you don’t want it” And
he put a donut on Scott’s desk.

Okay, first of all, Doctor Fakenamerson, you’re being a prick. Second, no those aren’t your desks, they’re the university’s.

Because Dr. Christianson could no longer bear to watch Steve’s hard work go
for all these uneaten donuts, he asked Robert, the most vocal unbeliever in
the class, to watch Steve do each push-up to make sure he did all ten in
each set.

Okay, what? That doesn’t make sense. Instead of, say, stopping the exercise because poor Steve’s about to have a coronary in the middle of “his” classroom, the professor makes the biggest heathen in class count all his pushups?

As the professor started down the fourth row, he noticed some students from
other classes had wandered in and sat down on the steps along the radiators
that ran down the sides of the room. He did a quick count and saw that there
were now thirty-four students in the room…

Just then, Jason, a recent transfer student, came to the room. He was about
to enter when at once all of the students yelled, “NO!! Don’t come in!!”
Jason didn’t know what was going on.

Remember the part about the author of this piece (and I mean piece in every way possible) never having been to college? This pretty much proves my point. Unless there was a lot of noise filtering out into the hallway, students from other classes wouldn’t just wander into another room. And even if they did, they probably wouldn’t sit down; they’d stand at the back and gawk like normal people. Plus, how the hell many donuts did this guy bring? Presumably he knew how many students he had and could buy accordingly.

As for the second paragraph, “a recent transfer student”? At a college? At the end of a semester? Yeah, not so much. You can transfer to high school at the end of a semester, or middle school, or elementary school, but universities generally expect students to attend for an entire semester. I hope they prorated his tuition, because it seems like a waste of money to pay for a whole semester if you’re just transferring in at the end.

Turning to the class the professor said, “My wish is that you might
understand and fully comprehend all the riches of grace and mercy that have
been given to you through the sacrifice of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
God spared not His only begotten son, but gave him up for us and for the
whole world, now and forever. Whether we choose to accept His gift to us,
the price for our sins has been paid. Wouldn’t it be foolish and wouldn’t it
be ungrateful just to leave it laying on the desk?”

Dude, maybe I had a big breakfast. Or maybe I just don’t like donuts. Or maybe I think you’re being an asshole doing that to someone who’s done good things for you. But tell me this: did Dr. Appropriatelynamedson create Football-Playing Steve for the express purpose of making him do an asssload of pushups? Because that’s the story of Jesus. Made entirely to die for the sins of the world. That’s the guy’s whole purpose. To go around being all inspirational and then die. And inspire crappy musicals. Which then inspire funny Mr. Show sketches. I tried to find video for that one but couldn’t. I busted out the Season 1/2 DVDs and watched it though, and it was good.

Score this:
Attempting to promote religion through the use of analogy/metaphor/simile that makes it look unappealing to those outside the religion. Or in this case, through the use of sadism and fried dough.


Administrative Post

February 14, 2007

I joined Mojoey’s Atheist Blogroll. Welcome to those coming from there. And thanks to everybody who’s linked to me since the site got started. Positive feedback is a good thing.


Reader-Submitted CCCE: This Really Isn’t That Awesome

February 13, 2007

Reader Rachel sent this… thing. I hope you’re not using a slow connection, because there are a lot of graphics here.

Subject: This Is Awesome!
bible

If I don’t get this back, I will know you really didn’t read it. I got this from someone and thought the last part was really a good thought.

friends

Too bad that the person who sent it to me did
not know 10 people who would admit to knowing the Lord.

staringjesus

Do You Love Him?

butonlyonmyown

prayingmouse

This is a simple test:

churchsteeple

IF YOU LOVE JESUS, SEND
THIS TO AT LEAST 10 PEOPLE, INCLUDING
THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU!

jesusevigan

The Poem
I knelt to pray but not for long,
I had too much to do.
I had to hurry and get to work
For bills would soon be due.
So I knelt and said a hurried prayer,
And jumped up off my knees.
My Christian duty was now done
My soul could rest at ease…..
All day long I had no time
To spread a word of cheer
No time to speak of Christ to friends,
They’d laugh at me I’d fear.
No time, no time, too much to do,
That was my constant cry,
No time to give to souls in need
But at last the time, the time to die.
I went before the Lord,
I came, I stood with downcast eyes.
For in his hands God! held a book;
It was the book of life.
God looked into his book and said
“Your name I cannot find
I once was going to write it down…
But never found the time”

Now do you have the time
to pass it on?

birdie

Joy
I live in my own little world.
But it’s OK… They know me
Here!

If you look at what you do not have in life, you don’t have anything, If you look at what you have in life, you have everything.

Thomas Kinkade Paintings

(hope the water is moving!!)

probablynotkinkade

Hope the water flows when you get the picture

waterfall

READ THE FIRST LINE CAREFULLY. .

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God.

This is a Thomas Kinkade painting. It’s rumored to carry a miracle!

The water is supposed to be running, so if it’s not moving then the picture

Didn’t come through entirely.

miraclecrap

.

They say if you pass this on, you will receive a miracle.
I am passing this on because I thought it was really pretty,

And who couldn’t use a miracle?!

_____________________________________________________________________________

I put that line in there, just experimenting with a way to separate the email and my own text. Anyway, let’s get to business.

If I don’t get this back, I will know you really didn’t read it. I got this from someone and thought the last part was really a good thought. Too bad that the person who sent it to me did not know 10 people who would admit to knowing the Lord.

Well, that’s not very nice of the sender. And instead of my not really reading it, maybe you didn’t get it back from me because it’s a horrible, ugly email. Or maybe my spam filter caught it. Or maybe I don’t like you. Or maybe I don’t like sparkly text and I’m not really that impressed that you managed to find a site that would let you make sparkle-text gifs, because
sparklesparkle

And can we talk about the first picture, with Jesus holding a basket (wha?) kinda staring at the woman on the swing? She’s awaiting Christ’s return, according to that pillow/sampler/sign next to her, but she’s turned away from it, like maybe she’s about to get up and take those silly ribbons off her dress. The swing is hanging from a magic tree branch (where is the rope on the right side attached?) where it’s magically spring- those little helicopter things are on it, and fall- the leaves are turning color, at the same time. And I’m sorry, I don’t think Jesus is coming for you anytime soon, hon. It looks like he’s busy with his Easter basket there. Mmm, chocolate bunnies and Cadbury eggs.

Oh, anthropomorphized praying mouse, must you resort to puns?

The next portrait of Jesus was bothering me for a while, but I didn’t know why. Then I realized: That’s not Jesus, it’s Greg Evigan.my2gregs
See? Evigan! Which, if Jesus actually existed (and I’m not saying he did,) he would have looked a little more like Paul Reiser.

As for the alleged Thomas Kinkade paintings, well, I’m calling bullshit there. The third one is Kinkade, yes. We’ve all seen that one, but the other two? The first picture is in no way, shape, or form a painting. It looks like a screenshot from a SNES game- an early one like Secret of the Stars. The second picture looks like a poster you can buy at those stores that sell rainsticks. And I can’t hear Thomas Kinkade and water mentioned together without remembering that time he got drunk and peed on Winnie the Pooh.

The Poem
I knelt to pray but not for long,
I had too much to do.
I had to hurry and get to work
For bills would soon be due.
So I knelt and said a hurried prayer,
And jumped up off my knees.
My Christian duty was now done
My soul could rest at ease…..
All day long I had no time
To spread a word of cheer
No time to speak of Christ to friends,
They’d laugh at me I’d fear.
No time, no time, too much to do,
That was my constant cry,
No time to give to souls in need
But at last the time, the time to die.
I went before the Lord,
I came, I stood with downcast eyes.
For in his hands God! held a book;
It was the book of life.
God looked into his book and said
“Your name I cannot find
I once was going to write it down…
But never found the time”

So you’re going to hell for being busy? Nice, Christianity.

This is a Thomas Kinkade painting. It’s rumored to carry a miracle!

It’s a gif. How’s it got a miracle in it? I don’t think that’s covered in steganography.

I shoot, I score! Points for:
GraphicsAnimated gifs, sparkly text, Thomas Kinkade
Pass this along- If you aren’t ashamed!

I have a hypothesis about emails like this. I think that they start out as, say, one or two gifs and a poem. Then people get two or more of them at the same time and decide to put them together, leading to giant messy mashups like the last two CCCEs I’ve posted. At least I hope so. I really hope there aren’t people out there creating things like this from scratch. Because those people? Would be crazy.

I hope everybody had a happy Darwin Day.