I’ve moved the scoring system to a page. It was buried way down at the bottom of my posts, and it deserves its place in the sun.
Note: new entries marked with an asterisk.
Form Points awarded for:
-Multiple fonts used
-Multiple colors used
-Multiple type sizes used
-ALL CAPS SHOUTING!
Severe and frequent grammar/spelling/punctuation errors
Netspeak- not so much 1337 as 12-year-old IM-speak “ur” for your/you’re, etc.
Content Points awarded for:
-Graphics, including, but not limited to:
-pictures of normal objects that could maybe look like religious symbols if you look fast
and are far-sighted and not wearing reading glasses
-photoshopped pictures, bonus points if the sender obviously doesn’t realize it’s a
manipulated image despite the Worth 1000 watermark in the corner
Presence of angels in the email’s story
Presence of a dead child in the email’s story
If the email is about someone turning their life around/converting, especially if the person was an atheist, Muslim or gay*
If the email is old and popular enough to have appeared on Snopes
If the email ends with a chain letter-style “if you don’t send this to eleven people in forty-two seconds, your eyelashes will fall out” threat
If it ends with a promise that if you do send it to X people in Y minutes, The Noid will run across your screen and pee on your hard drive icon
Vague threats against blasphemers/infidels
Untrue/unprovable/just plain dodgy statements presented as fact
Beginning and ending with bible quotes
Promising a miracle if the message is forwarded/reposted
Attempting to promote religion through the use of analogy/metaphor/simile that makes it look unappealing to those outside the religion.
Magical member of a traditionally disenfranchised/disadvantaged group whose simple wisdom shows us all the error of our ways, including, but not limited to:
-Native American person
-Mentally handicapped person
Out of the Mouths of Babes
Almost the same as the Magical Negro, but not quite.
Me and God Are Like This!
Like that “Footprints” poem. I won’t link to it; you already know what it says.
Helping Those Who Can’t Figure Out How to Help Themselves
People in need must be stupid, because they’re always getting miracles when common sense and planning ahead would get them out of trouble a lot more easily.
Pass This Along- If You Aren’t Ashamed
Invariably, this will contain the “If you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of you before my Father” thing.
*And seriously, if you ever come across a “cured of teh ghey by Jesus” email, send it!